


I Need To Know That When I Fail, You'll Still Be Here

by Itlivesforever



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Best Friends, Comfort, Depression, Fluff, Guilt, I dont know how to tag, M/M, Recovery, Self Harm, also its kind of a dark fic too so im sorry again, and doesn't want to hurt josh, im sorry, this is my first fic on here so, tyler & josh - friends, tyler is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:18:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itlivesforever/pseuds/Itlivesforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler was feeling it again.</p><p>That feeling that he had worked months to fight off, that feeling he thought that he had finally forced out of his mind. He wasn't even upset, there was no reason to do what he wanted to. It was just an itch. A longing. A sick, twisted nostalgia for something that had been part of his life for so long.</p><p>It's getting harder and harder for him to suppress that feeling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need To Know That When I Fail, You'll Still Be Here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> This is my first tøp fic and my first post on here, so here goes. 
> 
> Please check the tags for trigger warnings, I use writing to vent my own feelings and thoughts, not to harm others, so just use discretion and be careful.
> 
> Last but not least, enjoy!

Tyler was feeling it again.

That feeling that he had worked months to fight off, that feeling he thought that he had finally forced out of his mind. He wasn't even upset, there was no reason to do what he wanted to. It was just an itch. A longing. A sick, twisted nostalgia for something that had been part of his life for so long. It had been burning through his veins for the past week and he didn't know how else to stop it other than to submit to it. Just once, right? Like being underwater and coming up for air. Just a quick breath. A tiny bit of relief.

It wasn't even with his original blade. He only ever had one, and he had flushed it away. It had been gone since a little while after he confessed his problem to Josh.

Josh. His best friend in the world.

For so long Tyler had been scared to tell anyone about his problem. He was always so happy, smiling and laughing. How would anyone ever be able to look at him the same if they knew what he was hiding? If they knew about the lines that littered his thighs and hips? The lines that were perfectly placed so that no one would ever see them.

But one day he told Josh anyways. Something was pushing him to, telling him it needed to be done. Whether that voice was God or his own conscience and trust in Josh, he didn't know. He had been terrified but he said it. He whispered those three words " _I cut myself_ " and watched as his best friend's face fell and watched as tears formed in the creases of his eyes and watched his lips formed the words " _Tyler, I'm so sorry._ " And it felt terrible. Making his friend feel that way. Breaking his heart. But it also felt okay. It felt safe and like a thousand weights off his shoulder when Josh pulled him in tight and promised he was there, that he'd help.

And he did. More so in the form of commitment on Tyler's part. The worst thing in the world to him was the feeling of letting someone down who believed in him so much. Who cared so much. He committed to Josh, even if it took a while. He made it all the way to three months clean, Josh cheering him the whole way, and that's when he flushed his blade. He had wanted that chapter of his life to be done. He was so sure that it was. But that was two months ago, and now he isn't so sure.

Now he's sitting on his bathroom floor with a pair of scissors with most of his brain trying to convince him that it's okay, just this once. It's not with a real blade, his blade that he had taken from that damn pencil sharpener. It's not a defeat unless he gets another blade, right? It won't count if its just a scratch with the scissors, right? Barely any blood. Or what if he doesn't do it in the same spot? Does it count if it's just on his calf, or his arm? People get scratches there all the time, it's nothing new. He still hasn't gone back to his old ways. He just needs one little break, something to calm that itch inside of him.

All these things swirl in Tyler's head, and he's picking up the scissors and holding them open to his lower leg.

But then he hears the other portion of his brain chime in.

_"Why aren't you talking to Josh? Would he be okay with this? Call Josh! You're going to ruin everything! All that you've worked for!"_

But he couldn't bring it up with him again. He threw his blade away, that part of his life was done for him in Josh's eyes. For all Josh knew, he was better. The last time they had talked about it, Tyler _was_ feeling better, and he had told Josh that. The way his friend smiled so big, and hugged him so hard. The way his eyes sparkled when he told Tyler how proud he was of how far he's come. He had called him strong, said that he was worth looking up to.

Does he really want to take that away from his friend? That happy way, that proud way that he sees him in? Does he really want to put that burden back on someone who worked so hard to release it from both of them? What would he think? Would he be disappointed? What if he thought it was his fault that Tyler was a mess again, thought that he didn't do enough?

How could Tyler ever think of making Josh feel that way?

But again, the better part of his head was urging him, begging him, _"Just call him, don't hurt yourself. Do you think he'd rather you do this than talk to him? He cares about you, he wants you to be safe."_

So Tyler sat, thinking for a long time.

But the worse part of his brain countered back with flashing images of those sad brown eyes that were mortified at hearing what Tyler had done. Did he really want to see those eyes again? Wouldn't it be easier to get this out of the way, and just not tell Josh? Then Tyler would be rid of the desire that clawed at his veins, and Josh would never even know. He drew the scissors to his leg once again, ready to get the deed over with.

Instead he stopped and stared at the metal touching his leg. And with that he dropped it, throwing it across the floor.

He couldn't lie to Josh.

Josh did so much to help him, how could he let him down now?

He stood up and grabbed his phone, quick dialing the one person he couldn't bare to betray.

"Josh?" His voice came out shakier than he intended, and Josh seemed to pick up that something was off.

"Tyler? What's wrong?"

"I need you to come over." He added a "please" on the end that ended up sounding cracked and desperate. What was the liquid running down his face? When had he started crying?

Josh spoke gently and slowly into the phone. "Okay, Ty, I'm coming now. Just hang tight alright? I'll be there very soon. Do you need me to bring anything?"

"N-no. I just need you," he stuttered. "Thank you."

"Tyler, you know it's never a problem, okay? _Never_. I'm going to go now so I can drive. Is that okay?"

Tyler nodded before realizing that Josh couldn't see him, then quickly said okay and goodbye before hanging up. He was going to have to tell the person that thought so highly of him that he was so close to messing up again. He didn't know if he was ready to do that, but he didn't have an option now.

He just hoped that Josh would still care about him once he knew.

~~~

Tyler hadn't moved from the bathroom floor when he heard his front door open. He still hadn't moved by time he heard footsteps approach the bathroom. Or by time he heard a soft voice whisper "Oh, _Tyler_ ," or by time he felt strong arms cocoon around him. All he did was huddle into their grasp and let his tears fall onto his friend's shoulder and into his fire red hair.

They sit like that for a long time before Josh pulls away. He looks over at the discarded scissors and then back into Tyler's eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

And so he told him everything. How he still struggled, but how now it was more of a nostalgic desire than a punishing one. How he had tried to convince himself that it was okay to cheat just once, but couldn't bring himself to do any harm. How he was afraid to tell Josh that he was on the point of breaking again. How he didn't want to ruin the happiness that Josh felt regarding his recovery. Everything.

Josh listened the whole time, like he always did. Letting Tyler get everything out before trying to speak. The second Tyler finished Josh was wrapping him in another hug, this time sighing into him.

"Tyler. I could never think any less of you and you know that," he muttered into Tyler's shoulder. "I love you dude, and you've come so far with everything you've been through and I'm proud of you no matter what. You could be years clean or a day. On top of the world or about to break down. I'm always here for you and I will _always_ care. You are never a burden to me. I need you to believe that, okay?" His eyes were serious when they met Tyler's, and all Tyler could do was nod.

"I'm sorry Josh. That I still have these problems. And that I hid them from you." He meant it when he said it too.

"Don't be sorry, man." Josh flashed a smile. "You've been through hell and you're still trying to get out of it, and that's okay. I want to help you, Ty. You deserve so much more than you think." They sat in silence for a few more minutes, just taking in each other's presence. Finally, Josh stood up from the bathroom tiles and reached out his hand to Tyler. "C'mon, Ty. Let's get you off this floor. You deserve some major Taco Bell after all this anyways, and I'm hungry."

And Tyler took his hand.

He was going to be okay. It may take a while, it could take years. But he had Josh. To talk to and run to and commit to. They were in this together.

And if there was one thing he could find comfort in within this hell of a world, it was that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to tell me if there are any mistakes or anything.


End file.
